Celebrity Hijinx

Xine’s dad may have been on to something. Turns out Mr. Man was ejected from the tennis matches at Wimbledon because he was “steaming drunk.” My favorite part is this–when staff banned him from the bar, he yelled ““You should let me in. Do you know who I am? I’m The Hoff.” He calls himself The Hoff. He couldn’t get any more perfect.

[sauce, er I mean, source]

Okay, all you hell-raising heathens, tongue-dripping turnabout is more than fair play. Last week, we covered the taboo private-parts doings on the dude side, this time round, we’re tackling what the gals are up to, naughty-time-wise. Or one very, very famous sweetie-poop, that is. Slurpa Pop-Off is quite beautiful–and big-time tush-shakin’, too. She also has a penchant for bedding every stud in the Western Hemisphere on whom she lays her pretty little beady eyes–always successfully, I should inform you goss-babes.

But here’s the kicker in the squishy parts: S.P.O. is, ironically enough, only so-so interested, as far as the guys go. It’s just for press. In other words, what makes Ms. Pop-Off see stars and have the kind of orgasms Angelina Jolie, Meg Ryan and Helen Gurley Brown all made famous are other girls–specifically honeys who, as Madonna likes to say, prefer to dine in. Get me, babycakes? I’m certain you do if you’ve been the least bit of a Sex and the City student.

And get this: In one of those impossibly trendy little clubs at which Ms. P.O. likes to boogie down, Slurpa hit the ladies’ room, as she is wont to do. But not to relieve herself!Nope. Instead, in one of those ridiculously peekable stalls, S.P.O. got a blow on, while another gal in the same toilet compartment blew Slurpa. How do I know this? Slurpa, totally sloshed, per usual, actually forgot to close the stall door. And just as Ms. Pop-Off was screaming to the endorphin-bestowing goddess inside herself, someone else walked in the damn bathroom. Slurpa, total slut pro she be, just kept right on–at high volume, too. Oh, my. Think even I’m getting a little excited. It’s not:
Here are the obvious guesses: Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton, etc.

My guess: I confess! It was me. I’m a little embarrassed that I forgot to lock the doory but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. Ok, who do I really think it is? I bet it was Paris with her little friend Caroline D’Amour. Here’s a nice little collage of Paris and Eglantina Zingg, Nicole Lenz and her new pal Caroline. Ted says the guy thing is “for press” and everything Paris does is for press.

Coco Arquette or Cox-Arquette (or whatever) has been displaying signs of being a highly gifted 2 year-old. She’s definitely on her way to genius status. I’m just amazed at her intelligence.

I’ve had one of the most insane weeks ever so bear with me while I catch up on my blogging!

It has been brought to my attention that I missed my favorite little crackhead’s birthday! HOW COULD I DO THAT? Someone should just take me out in the back yard, shoot me and put me out of my misery!

Lindsay Morgan Lohan turned 20 on July 2! Awww…she’s no longer a teen. There goes a perfectly good excuse for the stunts she pulls. It appears as if she got her boobs back just in time for her 20th birthday. Or maybe she just got boobs for her 20th birthday. Whatever the case, the girls are back in town…all that “eating healthy” and “working with the trainer” made her sprout a new set. What a difference “working with a trainer” and “eating healthy” make…it was just a short year-ish ago that she looked like this: It’s nice to see that Lindsay can remain friends with Nicole even though she currently looks like a heifer. I’m surprised that Nicole’s skin and bones would allow Lindsay’s fat cells near her. I hear fat is contagious. I bet Linds finally mastered doing coke and still eating enough to maintain a normal-looking body. That takes a while. Below is a recent picture of Lindsay and her little blow buddy at a party. It appears as if maybe white and Christian Louboutin was a theme at the party — or maybe Rachel Zoe just “dressed” a bunch of the girls there. We all know the only look she’s mastered is “clone.” White is actually a good color for them. It’ll hide the after-blow well (the stuff that comes back out of the nose and falls onto the clothes) unless of course they’re going to LAX because they have these fun little sensors that will detect cocaine on your clothes and they aren’t afraid to use them. Then they pull you aside and unpack the suitcase that took an hour and a half to pack, search through everything…all of a sudden you’re running late for your flight and you’re trying to figure out what sweater was the culprit and who to blame. Just for fun, check out the guy seated on the right side of this picture. Isn’t that one of the most unfortunate outfits you’ve seen all week?

Rapper RZA is 37.

Actress Katherine Helmond (Who’s The Boss) is 72.
Actress Shirley Knight is 70.
Musician Robbie Robertson is 63.
Singer Huey Lewis is 56.
Singer Marc Cohn is 47.
Actress Edie Falco (The Sopranos ) is 43.
Singer Joe is 33.
Singer Jason Wade of Lifehouse is 26.

Roger Ebert gets two thumbs down on his health. He is in serious but stable condition after an emergency operation to repair complications from a previous cancer surgery. Hopefully he will not be joining Siskel in the big movie theater in the sky. Of course if he does, Dino and I will be happy to take over his job…although I’d like to use something other than “thumbs” to critique. Maybe we can use martinis. The number of martinis it takes us to stay until the end of the movie. I think we’ve got something here! I bet the job will go to Ryan Seacrest. He keeps getting everyone’s leftover, cushy jobs.

Actor Tom Cruise is 44 years crazy today!!!

Movie director Ken Russell is 79.
Singer Fontella Bass is 66. Actor Kurtwood Smith (That 70s Show ) is 63.
Actor Michael Cole (The Mod Squad ) is 61.
Country singer Johnny Lee is 60.
Writer Dave Barry is 59.
Actress Betty Buckley is 59.
Guitarist-singer Paul Barrere of Little Feat is 58.
Actress Jan Smithers (WKRP In Cincinnati ) is 57.
Talk show host Montel Williams is 50.
Country singer Aaron Tippin is 48.
Synthesizer player Vince Clarke of Erasure is 46.
Actor Thomas Gibson (Dharma and Greg ) is 44.
Actress Hunter Tylo is 44.
Keyboardist-guitarist Kevin Hearn of Barenaked Ladies is 37.
Singer Tonia Tash of Divine is 27.
Actor Grant Rosenmeyer (Oliver Beene ) is 15.

Former “Baywatch” star David Hasselhoff had surgery after severing a tendon in his right arm in a freak accident in a London gym bathroom, his spokeswoman said Friday. The 53-year-old actor, who played lifeguard Mitch Buchannon on the TV beach drama for 11 years, was shaving at a gym in the Sanderson Hotel on Thursday when he hit his head on a chandelier, showering his arm with broken glass, his publicist, Judy Katz, said. [source]It was David Hasselhoff in the locker room with the chandelier!

This is like the time Lindsay Lohan was preparing breakfast with eggs and everything that she was going up the stairs carrying a ceramic teacup. She had just come out of the shower so she was still wet and had some lotion on and she completely slipped on the stairs since it was slippery. The teacup went flying, it shattered and one of the pieces cut Lindsay forcing her to go to the ER. Remember that?

I read the Hoff story to my father and he said, “That story isn’t true.” So I asked him what he thought happened and he said, “I think he was in the locker room with George Michael…” Not a bad response for a 54 year-old straight guy. He secretly watches E! at night. Anyway, the gossip blogger in me wants to say that something more happened because the story is just plain crazy. Here’s why the human in me (yes, there’s human in me) believes this could happen…drumroll: I accidentally superglued my eye shut trying to fix an acrylic nail while talking on the phone. They had to cut off my eyelashes and slice my eye back open then scrape the contact off my eye because it was superglued to my eye. The crazy glue went crazy and just squirted in my eye (think of the almost-empty ketchup bottle effect). I ended up spending the night in the hospital on morphine and had to wear an eye patch for a few weeks. That story never gets old. The words “freak accident” and “David Hasselhoff” in the same sentence makes me laugh hysterically. Out loud. Non-stop. I never knew that until now.